To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $14/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

Oh God please let this happen soon!

 

16. The offical State vehicles shall be Land Rover and Range Rover. All non-Rover SUVs owned and operated by the government of the colonies shall be crushed and melted.

17. All repair and service centeres dealing with the motoring public shall be required to maintain an operational Testbook or approved equal. Furthermore, all public repair parts purveyors shall be required to maintain stock of Rover spares for all models beginning with Series I, in local warehouse.

18. All barristers shall be required to conform to the dress code of the Court, including wigs.

19. The colony of Florida shall be returned to Spain.

20. Transport of debtors shall resume, to either the colony of Georgia or Australia (when space becomes available).

 

"The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion."

so true.....

 

"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", sounds like Coors to me. Also Corona should be re-named Mexican Cat ****.

 

I think its funny how miller light says there is more flavor, I agree more **** flavor.... Also its bad when they(bud light) advertise on drinkablity(WTF) **** I hope its drinkable, and now miller is like why drink it slow pop this second tab and now you can just shotgun the beer, we wont even make you try and chug this nasty crap slowly...

 

As long as Margaret Thatcher becomes the Governor of America I am all for this. I want Thatcherism to replace any and all dead/near dead/should be dead U.S. political parties such as the equally stinking Democratic and stinking Republican parties. I also want to return/give California to Mexico or Spain or Uganda or Ceylon or anybody dumb enough to want the debt ridden scumState. The UK only gets us if they agree to NOT build the stinking Defender replacement DC100 or whatever it is called and must agree that ALL future Land Rover vehicles built worldwide can only have solid axles. NO bull**** urban LR's can ever be built or even contemplated again. This would be a treasonable offense. Also all Texans must be euthanized so that Colorado will never again be thought of only as one large Texas State Park. The former Texas can be converted to a Royal hunting preserve of Elizabeth and future royal progeny but commoners have the right to hunt there as well. God Save the Queen.

 

I will just say that if they did not wear full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies, there would be fatalities at virtually every game on the pro level.

Just ask , , , or anyone else who has been lit up while going over the middle

 

Will she think of me as less of a man if she sees me drinking cider in a pub?

 

cider is an acceptable from of alcoholic consumption as long as its good southern England cider and you have a yokle accent and go "ooo arrr" in every sentence...