A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of Wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.


'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.



The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.


Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'


'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

 

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15 ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll
give a million dollars to anyone who has the ***** to
jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
kicking its ***, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff,
like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said,'Come on, I insist on giving you something; that was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, what do you want?'
Colin said, 'I want the ####### who pushed me in the ####ing pool!'.

 

i'm stealing all these from posts a guy i know from serbia made on a different forum

 

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig' she retorted indignantly,
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives'.

'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi'

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again - I did!

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."



"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a *******?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a ******* himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

 

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men were fed 4 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.

2) Talked excessively without making sense.

3) Became overly emotional.

4) Couldn't drive.

5) Failed to think rationally.

6) Argued over nothing.

7) Had to sit down while urinating.

8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary

 

HAHAHA...these posts made my day. Giggle.