He's just trying to up his post count...


How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and dump in a bag of frozen peas.
When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

 

i dont care about my post count...










(828) +1

 

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager".

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

 

"i once farted on the set of The Blue Lagoon"

 

A nun is taking a bath when there's a knock at her door.
Nun: Who is it?
Man: It's the blind man.
Nun: Ummm...ok, come in.
Man (after coming in): Nice ****. Now, where do you want your blinds installed?

 

A man walks into his living room where his wife is watching TV and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache". His wife says," I'll have you know that is a sheep, not a cow". He says," I'll have you know that you are a presumptuous bitch for thinking I was talking to you".

 

One more:

A man walks into a diner with his son's, aged 7 & 10 years old. The small town waitress comes to thier table, greets them, and being congenial, asks the youngest boy first what he would like for lunch. The 7 year old looks up from his menu and says, "Lady, I think I'll have me a Goddamn cheeseburger." The father immediatley gets up, grabs the boy by the collar and spanks the boy right out the fron door, scolding him all the way. The flustered waitress regains her composure and asks the 10 year old what he would like. He says," Lady, I don't know, but you can bet yer *** I ain't gonna order no Goddamn cheeseburger."

 

Damn, I blew it. First line of joke should read," A man carrying a sheep in his arms walks into his living room and says..............my bad.

 

hahaha that's awesome