Backstory on this LR2. Had lots of issues in the past with the anti theft. Car alarm always going off. Replaced hood sensors to fix it.

Yesterday after driving the car twice it decided to stop staring.

Issues that happened. Key went into the socket but made a different noise than usual. The info screen between odometer and rpm flashed black and green and went static. I then started getting all sorts of notifications.
HDC inop, front right tire and all tires low air, low fuel. Those problems are all incorrect since those issues don't exist. Full tank, full tires, never used hill decent. The steering wheel, shifter and brake pedal are all locked into place. Key won't release either, I have to forcefully pull it out. Relays were clicking like crazy all over the vehicle. I can hear them ticking in the engine trunk and passenger dash. I went to replace a relay and as I pulled it out car alarm went off.

Online people say it's a low battery. I've attempted jumping and even replacing battery. Didn't solve issue.

I have never seen anything like this, other than when anti theft measures go into play. But it's almost as if it doesn't recognize either of my keys anymore.

 

Is the transmission in Park?

 

Transmission is stuck in park

 

I asked because I had something weird happen. I turned off the car while it was NOT in park, refueled, and when I tried to start it refused and gave me all kinds of errors. Took key out, put it in park, and everything was right again. I had also charged the battery the day before, but without disconnecting the terminals. When I went to start it misfired a lot, and then gave me what I think was a P0050 error, something about cold start. I turned the car off, let it sit for a few minutes, and it started fine, no error. These cars are too finicky for their own good.