LATEST UPDATE:

I finally had P.T. run a diagnostic, unfortunately pulling no codes.
He was only able to further confirm my lack of fuel and lack of spark.
According to him, my immobilizer has already been bypassed by a previous owner. Which sucks, because that was my initial suspicion.

He had to leave early, but before he left he told me to check the wires connecting to my crankshaft position sensor.
Luckily, the day before this I had already removed my CPS to clean it, and indeed I could tell the wires were in rough shape. The plastic coating is disintegrating off of each of them, leaving exposed wire. So, I’m now in the process of putting electrical tape around each one.

Previously, I hadn’t given the CPS much thought because it doesn’t control the priming of my fuel pump. But heck, I’ll see what comes of my tape-work...

 

SOLVED!
It was indeed the 2 crankshaft position sensor wires being frayed and contacting each other that blocked my fuel and spark.
Now to put my truck back together...
My heart goes out to all those who've made past threads about this issue and never found the solution.

Also, I swapped out my original fuel pump (Airtex) for a new Quantam fuel pump. After I was able to get my pump to prime, the Quantam couldn't even produce enough psi to reach the rails. DO NOT BUY!

​​​​​​​Thanks guys